geriatric technology

I am spoiled, and I will be the first to readily admit it. I live in a house where we have several computers - more than one per person, which is ridiculous - and all are networked. We all know how to program the DVR, use the satellite television, use the assorted smart phones and i-this and that's in our lives.

And then I step into my mother's house. And it is the proverbial dead-zone of technology. Except, she keeps trying to change that, and turns it into the Twilight Zone with every attempt. My mother has done things in Microsoft Office that I doubt Bill Gates ever thought of doing. She has killed printers, fried DVD players, completely broken down CD players and made remote controls run screaming under the couch.

Today, my mother announced that she wants a new computer with...wait for it...a web cam so she can "scrape" with my brother. Took me a minute too...finally decided she was talking about Skype. By the time I had this all figured out, I was breaking out in a cold sweat. See, my brother lives 2300 miles away, and he can safely suggest that mom just pop out and buy a webcam, knowing full well that I am going to be the one left to deal with the reality of trying to teach her how to use it. The first 45 minutes will be taken up with showing her how to plug it in, and then the fun begins.

First, however, I have to help her to replace her geriatric PC. Until two months ago, she was still using the hand-me-down desktop model I gave her more than ten years ago. At Easter this past year, she handed it back to me saying that it doesn't work anymore. Now, I wouldn't have been surprised if the PC DIDN'T work - it's older than my kids, and was obsolete before the first time she cussed at it. But...it works...just fine...I still don't understand the mysterious "doesn't work." I am too afraid to ask if she had it plugged in.

See, I am torn here - I truly believe that everyone should take full advantage of technology, and the best way to learn is to dive in and just get your hands dirty. I tell older coworkers all the time not to be afraid, that they're not going to break it unless they throw it across the room. But, my mom? I'm not so sure she won't break it. And if she doesn't break the PC, the web cam, or the new headset she'll need to Skype, well...she might break me at last.

And while I was pondering all of this, I had a thought. I could complain, or I could profit from this experience...by writing the world's first geriatric to English tech dictionary. See, then those of us who live our lives in the modern world could look up "swiping the moose" and realize that someone is trying to talk about moving a mouse around. Or we'd know to say "the little clicky thing," instead of the cursor. It begins to make total sense for me...at last, a way to come out ahead. In the meantime, I plan to send my brother a plane ticket...so he can come give mom the lessons in using her new web cam. And I can just sit back and take notes for my new bestseller.