choices

I read once that we are defined as human beings by the choices that we make. I wonder what my choices say about me? It sort of drifted to me as I stood in front of the refrigerator tonight, pondering what I was going to eat for dinner, and thinking that there was nothing here. That is, of course, not true at all. There was nothing easily accessible that I WANTED to eat. It finally came down to a choice of pick something or go to bed without dinner. Seen in that light, I chose to enjoy my homemade vegetarian chili for one more night. And, you know, it was just as good tonight as it was on Monday - when I first made it. It was simply the feeling that there was nothing else here, and not having a choice that made me kind of picky for those few minutes. Kids need the freedom of choice, why not adults?

Today I chose to quit complaining about the clutter in my office and clean it up. I chose to procrastinate about exercising, and I regret it now that it is bedtime. I chose to keep my mouth closed when I disagreed with a coworker, because there was no glory in debating a moot point. I chose to make a joke at the expense of another person, and although that person was not there to hear, I know what I said and know it makes less of me. I chose to not have wine with dinner, knowing that I took Benadryl and the combination is one that will not let me get by on less than ten hours of sleep. I chose to nit-pick with one daughter, and overlook a bigger issue with the other - because I didn't have the energy to argue. I chose to put off calling my mother back, and I'll feel bad until I do it.

My kids make choices every day, and the older they get, the fewer I get to make for them. Oh, I was fairly bragging today to a coworker about being the law and order in my house, and sometimes I am. But the truth is that I pick my fights - sometimes I pick them well, and sometimes I choose to fight the the bad fight. Sometimes I give up the battle to win the war that waits over the ridge of puberty. My oldest daughter has been making choices about who she is lately, and how she wants to represent herself visually. I disagree with her on many occasions. I could have made the purchase of a new bathing suit into the bikini wars of 2010, but I chose not to do that. Instead, I stealthily sewed the strings on the sides together at the knot, so no wayward dive will leave her without half a suit. And I'll choose to believe that she'll make good choices of her own.

Goodness knows my parents never had confidence in any choices that I made. They're still hoping I will choose to change careers, find a new husband, lose some weight, buy better clothes, and live a whole new life. Some of the choices I've made are in direct and purposeful opposition of what they would have wanted for my life. I see that now, though I chose to ignore it for years. Some choices have been very much my own. I don't eat meat. To me it's simple, I love animals, and there ARE readily available options that can feed a person and still keep them healthy, so I choose to not eat animal flesh. I don't force my choice on others - my kids eat meat sometimes, and I try not to preach at them. It is something of a family joke to "forget" that I don't meat and serve all carnivorous options at family gatherings. To them it is a ridiculous choice to make, and they do not respect that it's my right to make that choice, no matter what. I promised myself I would never do that to my own children.

Sometimes I miss the days when I got to make all the choices for my kids, and the most they got to do was pick the red one or the blue one. Make that the RED ONE or the blue one. ISAID the REDONE or the blue one . Yeah, subtlety was never my strong suit. I have to hope all those years of guiding their choices has led them to understand how to make their own. I'm not with my kids all day, and it won't be far down the road that they're away and making bigger decisions. Hopefully they'll choose to share with me and ask my advice. In the meantime, I'll choose to hold my tongue when it's not such a big hairy deal, in hopes of not burning any bridges. Hey, I can always choose to change my mind.