In the Still of the Night

Today, I have been in two meetings, observed three classes, and had two social events.  The common domoninator is that these were, in fact, all online.  It has, in fact, been almost three weeks since I have seen coworkers, gym partners and students in person. My neck aches, from staring down at a screen, and sometimes my jaw feels permanently clenched.  Clenched because I can't answer parent quesitons, or coworkers asking how long this will go on.  Clenched because I'm technologically proficient for myself, but not enough to provide guidance to others.  I spend a part of my day stabbing at the dark, trying to fix their connection issues.  Between zoom sessions, I work out, and do the dishes, and disinfect my house as much as I'm able, and try to get some sunlight.  Between panicked e-mails I find time to cook for my own children, and make a few jokes.  Today, from 6-7 a.m., I took a nap, because I was answering genuinely  concerned messages at 3 a.m.  I have become a 24/7 tech support and confidant.  I wouldn't change this for everything, and welcome every call, but what happens when my abilities run dry.  It's inevitable, you know.

And, I worry about this.  What happens when I am no longer enough, and I can't answer questions or tell my kids what is next.  In the middle of the night, the silence reminds me that I don't know all the quesitons, and I don't know almost any of the answers.  So, what then?  In the silence of the night, I face my limitations.

The first few days at home were surreal and it was technically Spring Break, so I felt ok with delayed responses and assurances that I was looking into things.  Here we are, 1.5 weeks into working at home and I'm wishing I had more concrete answers than I do.  See, everything from here on out is a variable. If this, then that.  I can't give you an concrete response or tell you what is coming next.   It's out of my control.  It's out of human control.

I place myself at the mercy of god, of statistics, of fate, of karma, or whatever you believe. I do what i think is best for those around me - staying separated, only purchasing what I need, when I need it, taking precautions, but not letting them take over my life.  I focus on my family at home, and my students and their families online.  Because it's all I can do.  Last week, I spent a couple of nights in the ICU thanks to a bad reaction to over the counter medication, and I have a whole  new perspective. A little weird heart rate is the least of our concerns.  I'm resilient, and yet I'm taking the most conservative approach, because I don't want to become one of the patients I saw coming through that ER.  And I'm staying isolated, because my kids don't need me to become one of those statistics.  Stay put, my friends, and fight whatever demons plague your mind.

In the still of the night, doubts assault me- am I doing enough.  Am I enough?  I can't stand alone against this storm, but I can ride the tide and do what is asked of me.  Can I quell this anxiety, yes, because I won't let the darkness win. And, so, I focus on gratitude.   In the quiet of the 3 a.m. silence, I think about those who help make me who I am, and I am grateful.

Gratitude sounds like such a platitude, but it's not. When I focus on those things, I see an end to this nightmare reality.  When I focus on gratitude, I remember why I do many of the things that I do, and why I love so much of my life.

So, breaths in and out, and gratitude to all those I love, and those who love me.  In the middle of the night, I might sometimes be afraid, but I am never alone. Neither are you.  Live every damn day, fear or no. We will make it, together, to the bright side of the fear.  Love to all my friends.