Today, I have been in two meetings, observed three classes, and had two social events. The common domoninator is that these were, in fact, all online. It has, in fact, been almost three weeks since I have seen coworkers, gym partners and students in person. My neck aches, from staring down at a screen, and sometimes my jaw feels permanently clenched. Clenched because I can't answer parent quesitons, or coworkers asking how long this will go on. Clenched because I'm technologically proficient for myself, but not enough to provide guidance to others. I spend a part of my day stabbing at the dark, trying to fix their connection issues. Between zoom sessions, I work out, and do the dishes, and disinfect my house as much as I'm able, and try to get some sunlight. Between panicked e-mails I find time to cook for my own children, and make a few jokes. Today, from 6-7 a.m., I took a nap, because I was answering genuinely concerned messages at 3 a.m. I have become a 24/7 tech support and confidant. I wouldn't change this for everything, and welcome every call, but what happens when my abilities run dry. It's inevitable, you know.
And, I worry about this. What happens when I am no longer enough, and I can't answer questions or tell my kids what is next. In the middle of the night, the silence reminds me that I don't know all the quesitons, and I don't know almost any of the answers. So, what then? In the silence of the night, I face my limitations.
The first few days at home were surreal and it was technically Spring Break, so I felt ok with delayed responses and assurances that I was looking into things. Here we are, 1.5 weeks into working at home and I'm wishing I had more concrete answers than I do. See, everything from here on out is a variable. If this, then that. I can't give you an concrete response or tell you what is coming next. It's out of my control. It's out of human control.
I place myself at the mercy of god, of statistics, of fate, of karma, or whatever you believe. I do what i think is best for those around me - staying separated, only purchasing what I need, when I need it, taking precautions, but not letting them take over my life. I focus on my family at home, and my students and their families online. Because it's all I can do. Last week, I spent a couple of nights in the ICU thanks to a bad reaction to over the counter medication, and I have a whole new perspective. A little weird heart rate is the least of our concerns. I'm resilient, and yet I'm taking the most conservative approach, because I don't want to become one of the patients I saw coming through that ER. And I'm staying isolated, because my kids don't need me to become one of those statistics. Stay put, my friends, and fight whatever demons plague your mind.
In the still of the night, doubts assault me- am I doing enough. Am I enough? I can't stand alone against this storm, but I can ride the tide and do what is asked of me. Can I quell this anxiety, yes, because I won't let the darkness win. And, so, I focus on gratitude. In the quiet of the 3 a.m. silence, I think about those who help make me who I am, and I am grateful.
Gratitude sounds like such a platitude, but it's not. When I focus on those things, I see an end to this nightmare reality. When I focus on gratitude, I remember why I do many of the things that I do, and why I love so much of my life.
So, breaths in and out, and gratitude to all those I love, and those who love me. In the middle of the night, I might sometimes be afraid, but I am never alone. Neither are you. Live every damn day, fear or no. We will make it, together, to the bright side of the fear. Love to all my friends.
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
Sunday, March 22, 2020
So, Just Stay Home
SO where, do we go from here?
For the last five days or so I have been pretending that life goes on as normal. I ordered groceries off life and off line and fussed at my kids - the new normal. I did my regular daily work outs and face timed friends. The outbreak is annoyingg but not stopping our daily lives. Part of me knows this is not true. Part of me sees the global indications, but I ignore this due to social media posts and a desire to see Spring Break as usual. Meanwhile, my kids came in from LAX, dazed refugees from the pandemic on the west coast and the spring break panic. COVID-19 is coming.
I can't hide from this one. Can't protect my kids or make my own behavior ahead of the curve. In this madness, everyone is vulnerable. and everyone is a possibility. Social distancing....that's just fancy talk for some people obey the rules and some people don't.
And still I talk about "when this is over," while I ignored my stomach ache and fatigue and sense of something isn't right. I mean,I didn't ignore the quarantine and when I was told to isolate or distance myself, while my kids watched with wide spread eyes, I did what they told me to do.
But my cough is coming and my temperature is climbing despite my low risk status. And I wear a mask and gloves, because I made sure my students were unafraid last week and I stayed to the end.
This is the new normal, my friends. Eventually, the majority of us will get this virus, and we can only hope it will be kind in its visit. At this moment I have either corona virus or a host of other mild spring colds and flu bugs. No way of knowing since my normally 97.4 temperature stays below 99.2. I'm not a canidate for testing.
Meanwhile, my college age kids brought me dinner in my room and only visit when I wear a mask and gloves, and they stand in a doorway more than 10 feet away. They haven't been outside of this house in a week, and even longer for me. And my household chores fall largely on them now. To feed the pets and take out garbage and clean the house as I normally do.
Let me be clear I am a in no immediate danger. . I still do yoga and I'm still writing and working, but with a sense of being tired and a nagging cough catching up to me. My bedroom is sleeping space, and office, and gym, and art studio, and library and more this week. And likely next week too. There is a part of me that hopes I don't have it, that I'm just suffering from normal spring allergies or a cold. Part of me would like to get it over with, so I can quit worrying. Because odds are on my side that it'll be not much more than a week of unpleasantness. Yet another part of me says I'm being a silly ninny because any sickness is bad.
This, this is our new reality. Do we keep going forward or stop to halt an enemy we can't see. Its a daily struggle. And it doesn't matter our political leanings or our feelings. It marches forward blindly and we have to respond in kind. If you can stay home. if you can stop progress in any way, do it. Don't go to work. Don't go to school. Don't see that friend. Stay home. It's not about a political agenda or altrusim. This is about your dad or mom or friend who can't survive a respiratory virus or being in distress. It's about your child who vapes despite telling you they don't. It's about your friend who has risks they won't disclose. It's about people you know remotely who wouldn't connect with this virus if you just stayed home and read a book or watched Netflix. I get it - I'm an ambivert who needs contact with others at time. But get your contact online and away from a virus that doesn't give a shit about anything and lives to replicate and thrive without remorse. It doesn't feel for us. It might be alive but isn't a life. Your friends and family are lives. Stay the fuck in your house for a few weeks. I'll play words with friends with you. You will probably win. Stay home.
Stay home and play a game. I'll play one online with you or your kid. Do an art project - I'll do it with you. And yours will likely be more awesome. Stay home. write a story. i'll read it aloud and will read you one of mine. I do slam poetry too. I'll read it for you, online, if you'll just stay home. Stay home and live, so the rest of us can as well.
For the last five days or so I have been pretending that life goes on as normal. I ordered groceries off life and off line and fussed at my kids - the new normal. I did my regular daily work outs and face timed friends. The outbreak is annoyingg but not stopping our daily lives. Part of me knows this is not true. Part of me sees the global indications, but I ignore this due to social media posts and a desire to see Spring Break as usual. Meanwhile, my kids came in from LAX, dazed refugees from the pandemic on the west coast and the spring break panic. COVID-19 is coming.
I can't hide from this one. Can't protect my kids or make my own behavior ahead of the curve. In this madness, everyone is vulnerable. and everyone is a possibility. Social distancing....that's just fancy talk for some people obey the rules and some people don't.
And still I talk about "when this is over," while I ignored my stomach ache and fatigue and sense of something isn't right. I mean,I didn't ignore the quarantine and when I was told to isolate or distance myself, while my kids watched with wide spread eyes, I did what they told me to do.
But my cough is coming and my temperature is climbing despite my low risk status. And I wear a mask and gloves, because I made sure my students were unafraid last week and I stayed to the end.
This is the new normal, my friends. Eventually, the majority of us will get this virus, and we can only hope it will be kind in its visit. At this moment I have either corona virus or a host of other mild spring colds and flu bugs. No way of knowing since my normally 97.4 temperature stays below 99.2. I'm not a canidate for testing.
Meanwhile, my college age kids brought me dinner in my room and only visit when I wear a mask and gloves, and they stand in a doorway more than 10 feet away. They haven't been outside of this house in a week, and even longer for me. And my household chores fall largely on them now. To feed the pets and take out garbage and clean the house as I normally do.
Let me be clear I am a in no immediate danger. . I still do yoga and I'm still writing and working, but with a sense of being tired and a nagging cough catching up to me. My bedroom is sleeping space, and office, and gym, and art studio, and library and more this week. And likely next week too. There is a part of me that hopes I don't have it, that I'm just suffering from normal spring allergies or a cold. Part of me would like to get it over with, so I can quit worrying. Because odds are on my side that it'll be not much more than a week of unpleasantness. Yet another part of me says I'm being a silly ninny because any sickness is bad.
This, this is our new reality. Do we keep going forward or stop to halt an enemy we can't see. Its a daily struggle. And it doesn't matter our political leanings or our feelings. It marches forward blindly and we have to respond in kind. If you can stay home. if you can stop progress in any way, do it. Don't go to work. Don't go to school. Don't see that friend. Stay home. It's not about a political agenda or altrusim. This is about your dad or mom or friend who can't survive a respiratory virus or being in distress. It's about your child who vapes despite telling you they don't. It's about your friend who has risks they won't disclose. It's about people you know remotely who wouldn't connect with this virus if you just stayed home and read a book or watched Netflix. I get it - I'm an ambivert who needs contact with others at time. But get your contact online and away from a virus that doesn't give a shit about anything and lives to replicate and thrive without remorse. It doesn't feel for us. It might be alive but isn't a life. Your friends and family are lives. Stay the fuck in your house for a few weeks. I'll play words with friends with you. You will probably win. Stay home.
Stay home and play a game. I'll play one online with you or your kid. Do an art project - I'll do it with you. And yours will likely be more awesome. Stay home. write a story. i'll read it aloud and will read you one of mine. I do slam poetry too. I'll read it for you, online, if you'll just stay home. Stay home and live, so the rest of us can as well.
Monday, March 16, 2020
The New Normal
Four days ago, I was at work. I had students and was working as normal, training as normal, and anticipating my kids coming home for Spring Break. Today, I am grateful for finding toilet paper and ground turkey at Kroger.
I've always joked that the cockroaches and viruses are going to win in the end, but...damn.
Two days ago, I did a circuit class but decided doing jiu jitsu might be a little risky, so I declined open mat rolls.
One day ago, I celebrated a friend's birthday with my kids and made a grocery run without concern. By last night, I was reconsidering everything and cancelling plans to train in my gym and have lunch with a friend.
Today, I only went out to drop off my car for service and walked/jogged home alone. I declined that shuttle service and washed my hands as soon as I walked in.
Now, my kids' university is only online this semester and they are living here indefinitely. Now, we are on next to lock down and only going outside to walk in relative solitude. Social functions have slowed to a near halt and our city is almost on lockdown. Starting tonight, bars will close, and clubs will close, concerts are cancelled and restaurants are on take out only status.
I'm living the life I only have read about in history books. I mean, we have all read about the Spanish influenza and maybe the plague. But it's so hard to put in context with our daily lives. So hard to relate to, as modern citizens, but here we are.
This is the life my grandmother lived, and I think about that sometimes. So far removed from the society that feels like everything is fixable. Modern medicine can mitigate all things. But it's not so and this is proof.
My 2020 resolution was about living with gratitude and some days this week it has been hard to find that gratitude. But, here goes. I am in a safe place, with both of my children. So far, we are pretty healthy and have all the things we need to continue to live mostly comfortably. So, we are kind of sick of one another already and would like to go out for more than a walk - but this is a total first world kind of problem.
I am currently alone, without a partner, so I go to bed alone. But I have friends who love me and check in on me, and - while it's not the same as having a partner - I'm ok. I have love in my life. All ok there.
About 15 month ago, I busted up my knee and promised to get back to full physical strength. It's been a difficult year, but I keep working and trying everyday. I can jump on my leg and I can run. It's going to take some time, but gratitude that I can keep trying. Keeping moving, no matter what.
I have a job I love. Doing it online will be challenging, but I can do this. We all can do this, and I am proud of my team. Let's move forward with plans for later this summer. We've got this!
So, gratitude I have love and my healthy kids, and my stable friends, and an ability to help others. It's all I can I hope for going into day two of staycation 2020. Gratitude, my friends, is all we can expect. Gratitude is a choice. The rest is just a wild ride.
I've always joked that the cockroaches and viruses are going to win in the end, but...damn.
Two days ago, I did a circuit class but decided doing jiu jitsu might be a little risky, so I declined open mat rolls.
One day ago, I celebrated a friend's birthday with my kids and made a grocery run without concern. By last night, I was reconsidering everything and cancelling plans to train in my gym and have lunch with a friend.
Today, I only went out to drop off my car for service and walked/jogged home alone. I declined that shuttle service and washed my hands as soon as I walked in.
Now, my kids' university is only online this semester and they are living here indefinitely. Now, we are on next to lock down and only going outside to walk in relative solitude. Social functions have slowed to a near halt and our city is almost on lockdown. Starting tonight, bars will close, and clubs will close, concerts are cancelled and restaurants are on take out only status.
I'm living the life I only have read about in history books. I mean, we have all read about the Spanish influenza and maybe the plague. But it's so hard to put in context with our daily lives. So hard to relate to, as modern citizens, but here we are.
This is the life my grandmother lived, and I think about that sometimes. So far removed from the society that feels like everything is fixable. Modern medicine can mitigate all things. But it's not so and this is proof.
My 2020 resolution was about living with gratitude and some days this week it has been hard to find that gratitude. But, here goes. I am in a safe place, with both of my children. So far, we are pretty healthy and have all the things we need to continue to live mostly comfortably. So, we are kind of sick of one another already and would like to go out for more than a walk - but this is a total first world kind of problem.
I am currently alone, without a partner, so I go to bed alone. But I have friends who love me and check in on me, and - while it's not the same as having a partner - I'm ok. I have love in my life. All ok there.
About 15 month ago, I busted up my knee and promised to get back to full physical strength. It's been a difficult year, but I keep working and trying everyday. I can jump on my leg and I can run. It's going to take some time, but gratitude that I can keep trying. Keeping moving, no matter what.
I have a job I love. Doing it online will be challenging, but I can do this. We all can do this, and I am proud of my team. Let's move forward with plans for later this summer. We've got this!
So, gratitude I have love and my healthy kids, and my stable friends, and an ability to help others. It's all I can I hope for going into day two of staycation 2020. Gratitude, my friends, is all we can expect. Gratitude is a choice. The rest is just a wild ride.
Saturday, March 14, 2020
Infectious
I'm living in a new age. Or not a new age, but one that is new to me. I'm sure my grand parents who lived through Spanish Influenza of World war I era would recognize some of what is happening this week, but not all of it. Because, see, the yellow papers of that era changed some of what we know about journalism and media, and we're seeing the power of media today.
So, here I am torn...do I believe that COVID-19 is nothing to worry about and people are all over-reacting, or do I go buy a case of water and a case of toilet paper, that will do nothing to slow the spread of a respiratory based virus, because the media tells me so? Me, I think that the media has too much power and we are reacting to the WRONG part of the news, but I don't think we should ignore the situation. See, I've faced recently that I am in the minority, in terms of politics and public opinion. I don't take a side - I take issues piece by piece and I research. Party lines are too political and I take things person by person, and issue by issue. So, call me wishy-washy and call me anything you like. Too liberal for one group, and too conservative for another, but I'm finding I like to think for myself.
But now, now, what do I think? Definitely, social media creates its own reality and we are sheep if we follow it blindly. I've been caught up in that madness myself. But, really, stop and think - why are you doing what you are doing and who does it benefit? If you answer those questions, it might change your response.
So, where am I today? I'm playing in the middle of the road, like I'm playing chicken and I might get run over yet. Today I went to my gym and did a group exercise class, but I washed hands and equipment and I declined physical contact with a broader group of people. I ran errands and did what I needed to do with the public, but I declined a social invitation to a larger scale event. And, mostly, I stayed away from my dad who is 89 and recovering from some illnesses and from a friend with a young baby at home. Because I will recover from respiratory illness, but they may not. In otherwords, I'm taking things case by case and thinking it through. Please, please, no matter the issue, no matter the event, accept that media can be a tool, but use your own judgement and educate yourself. Don't be a sheep in the herd. Don't fight the herd for the sake of fighting, but look at the facts. It's not a liberal agenda or a republican platform - it's your own life, and your own decisions that will matter. Don't let politics or pride decide what is right for you or those you love. Let information and education always win, and every damn day, live the best life you can.
So, infectious virus, you are out there, and we will arm ourselves with education and information and an abundance of caution. If we are silly to avoid some things, so be it. Being silly is better than not being around to scoff. And don't make fun of those who see it that way. Love your neighbors and all their choices in these days.
So, here I am torn...do I believe that COVID-19 is nothing to worry about and people are all over-reacting, or do I go buy a case of water and a case of toilet paper, that will do nothing to slow the spread of a respiratory based virus, because the media tells me so? Me, I think that the media has too much power and we are reacting to the WRONG part of the news, but I don't think we should ignore the situation. See, I've faced recently that I am in the minority, in terms of politics and public opinion. I don't take a side - I take issues piece by piece and I research. Party lines are too political and I take things person by person, and issue by issue. So, call me wishy-washy and call me anything you like. Too liberal for one group, and too conservative for another, but I'm finding I like to think for myself.
But now, now, what do I think? Definitely, social media creates its own reality and we are sheep if we follow it blindly. I've been caught up in that madness myself. But, really, stop and think - why are you doing what you are doing and who does it benefit? If you answer those questions, it might change your response.
So, where am I today? I'm playing in the middle of the road, like I'm playing chicken and I might get run over yet. Today I went to my gym and did a group exercise class, but I washed hands and equipment and I declined physical contact with a broader group of people. I ran errands and did what I needed to do with the public, but I declined a social invitation to a larger scale event. And, mostly, I stayed away from my dad who is 89 and recovering from some illnesses and from a friend with a young baby at home. Because I will recover from respiratory illness, but they may not. In otherwords, I'm taking things case by case and thinking it through. Please, please, no matter the issue, no matter the event, accept that media can be a tool, but use your own judgement and educate yourself. Don't be a sheep in the herd. Don't fight the herd for the sake of fighting, but look at the facts. It's not a liberal agenda or a republican platform - it's your own life, and your own decisions that will matter. Don't let politics or pride decide what is right for you or those you love. Let information and education always win, and every damn day, live the best life you can.
So, infectious virus, you are out there, and we will arm ourselves with education and information and an abundance of caution. If we are silly to avoid some things, so be it. Being silly is better than not being around to scoff. And don't make fun of those who see it that way. Love your neighbors and all their choices in these days.
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