Family Blessings

I went to bed last night, still feeling emotionally raw from the ups and downs of this week. It was with great reluctance that I cooked and headed out to my parents' house today. See, my family is the original dysfunctional family on the best of days. Holidays have never been the best of those days. While other people have memories of cooking and laughing together, watching football, maybe getting out the Christmas tree, my Thanksgiving memories involve a lot of cussing in the kitchen, yelling, tense silence around the dinner table, and criticism. Those are the good holiday memories. Worse years include the year my mom threw a turkey through the window (well, that was the time at Thanksgiving...she threw one out at Christmas once, but it was on fire that time, so it almost made sense), or the time my dad stabbed a knife into the table top, right next to my brother's hand, or the year I walked out in a snow storm and just kept walking...you get the point. I've contributed too, like the year my mother accidentally on purpose forgot that I don't eat meat and included it in EVERY SINGLE dish, including the salad - that took talent and planning. So, when asked to say the blessing, I eulogized the turkey - then suggested we should proceed to the backyard for a graveside service. It was in poor taste, but they tend to bring out the worst in me.

I remember the first year I had a family celebration with John's family. It felt so weird - no one was fighting, they had all these little traditions and inside jokes. It was like the holidays I had only seen in sit-coms. I miss those family gatherings.

So, this morning I woke up, still feeling emotionally wrung out and wishing I had indulged in some wine last night, while I had a chance. The thought of going to my parents' for a holiday, without my full emotional armor in place almost scared me. I gave thought to taking some anxiety medication, but decided I'd rather have full use of my sensibilities, just in case I had to make a run for it.

It was an absolutely predictable evening. My dad called my mother an idiot. My mom cussed and threw things around in the kitchen. My kids acted up, because they know they can get away with it there. I pretended to read a book in order to avoid confrontations as much as possible. My dad gave the girls money for no clear reason, because he doesn't know what else to do with them. My mother cooked way too much food, and refused to eat a single thing that she had asked me to bring - my potatoes are weird, "who eats asparagus?" and the salad wasn't like she makes. OK...bring on the left-overs for us.

It was predictable. Except, I realized that I maybe don't need any armor anymore, except my sense of humor. This is my family - it's the only one I have, and they're not going to change any more than I am. The fact is that, strange as our relationships are, I will miss them when they are gone. I am thankful that I have them, though I sometimes have to keep them at a distance. My parents are getting older, and my brother lives 1200 miles away. The time I get with them is less and less frequent, and while we may not have perfect relationships, they are my family. I will create a new mantra to remind myself of this when we are together and they are driving me crazy.

I am thankful for my crazy, mixed up, emotionally goofy family.

And while I'm on the subject....

I am thankful for my children, and for the chance to learn from the family in which I grew up, so that I will not repeat the same mistakes. I'm breaking new ground and making all new mistakes of my own. And I do own them, admit them, and hope that my children can forgive them. I love my children - they are unique and quirky, and sometimes make me want to scream in frustration - and they are forever mine. I happen to think that they are particularly wonderful.

I am thankful for John. We rarely see one another, and are sometimes so frustrated when we finally do end up in a room together that one of us ends up mad at the other. But we have been together since before I was legal, and I am lucky to have this person in my life who accepts me - the one person who does so knowing exactly who I am and liking me anyway. We are partners in raising our children, and in every way that counts.

I am thankful for my friends - the ones I see often, and the ones I may never see in person again. Every one of them has touched my life in myriad ways and I think about all of them often in my life. My friends forgive a lot with me, and they remind me to keep my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds when I need it. They turn a blind eye when I act a little crazy, and they pretend not to notice how off key I am when I sing. Bless each and every one of them.

I am thankful to have a job I enjoy, challenges and all. I love my co-workers, and love the fact that I do something that makes a difference to people. We are our own dysfunctional family of a different sort.

I am thankful for having found a church home where I can contribute and be accepted as well. Having bounced from Baptist upbringing to Catholic school to Quaker meetings and marrying into a very Catholic family....it's been a long journey. Balance is a good thing, and I've found it in our church. It is a place where I can worship, question, celebrate, serve and watch my children grow in love.

I am thankful that we have a home - it's small, and its messy, and there are a million things needing some TLC...but it's our home. My children have grown here, and a million memories of every kind have been made inside these walls.

I am thankful that my family is in good health. This is high on my list this year, having watched loved ones let go of family, mothers agonize over their sick children, and children mourning their parents in recent days. Our days on this earth are short enough, and I am blessed to know that my family is well and able to take care of ourselves.

I am thankful for our own personal zoo...the cats, the mice, the hedgehog and frogs, the hamster and all the rest.

I am thankful for the opportunity to start over every single day. I screw up - a lot. But I know that it's because I am human and that it's just my humanity showing when I do so. I am thankful that with age I have learned to pick myself up a little more quickly and start over again. I am thankful that I am not done learning, because the day that that happens, I will have stopped living. Sometimes the lessons are painful, and some of them are almost beyond bearing, and yet I keep moving forward. I am thankful that we have a God who designed us this way, and who promises to never give us more than we can bear, despite how it feels some days.

I am thankful for my own ability to love. It's what saves me some days (not to mention the fact that it saves others on other days).

I am thankful...just simply, thankful, and feeling blessed.