The kids and I have been living life at break-neck speed these last few weeks, or maybe it's months...it's all been a blur, to be honest. I should have known that speed was dangerous and we were bound to hit the wall eventually. We sure did tonight, in a big way. Or at least Katie hit the wall. See, she was gone all week on a class trip, immediately leaped into dance class, went back to school, partied all night, and got up early for a soccer tournament this morning.
As her mom, I have every sympathy for the pace of her week. But also as her mom, I need to know she is prepared for the week ahead, so that meant laying out expectations and meaning it when I said what the consequences would be for not meeting those expectations. Well, she napped instead of doing chores or school work, and I completely understand that. So, why do I feel so mean for telling her that she needs to spend tomorrow doing all the things she didn't complete today? I feel, absolutely, like an ogre, because she'll miss girl scouts, and EYC, and all the things she's been looking forward to doing. Or at least I felt bad until she slammed her bedroom door in my face....
That's when I hit my own personal wall. Out came the hammer, out came the screw driver, and I started to remove her bedroom door. Seriously, I was taking the door off the hinges. I've done it before, but I had to stop this time and step back and get a grip on reality.
We're all tired. None of us feel that great. I've worked through solid since last spring break, and I badly need a week off. It's the three of us day in and day out, as their dad is rarely around. We're getting on each other's nerves at this point.
Thanksgiving is coming and I think we have a whole new something to be thankful for this year - a chance to catch our breath collectively. We're all racing like mad little hamsters upon our wheels and at some point, somewhere, this has got to stop.
So, my job as a mom is to prepare my kids for the life ahead of them, once I'm no longer there to wield the heavy hammer. Which kind of prepared is the better prepared? I mean, I think that they live ridiculously busy lives, and they shouldn't be doing all the things they are doing. They're kids, and they should be kids. Heck, I don't think I should be doing all the stuff that I am doing. But this is the culture in which we live, unless I'm willing to throw it all away and go live on a tropical island somewhere and raise goats and eat coconuts (and I don't like coconuts all that much, and goats stink), then I've got to have them ready to live the lives ahead of them. That means finding a balance between not doing too much, and learning how to handle living in what amounts to carefully balanced chaos on some days.
Let's get a grip here - my kids are 10 and 12 years old. They're not supposed to know how to handle this much pressure, are they? I read an article a few days ago that said that the median age for girls to give up dolls when I was growing up was 11. Now, it is 6. Six year olds are too old to play with dolls? They're marketing dolls for "older" girls now, the Moxie Teen dolls and the like, in the hopes of keeping girls interested until they are 8. Wow. Katie is 12. She does not have one single toy in her room (I won't count all the stuffed penguins, those are different - they're companions, collections and obsessions, not really toys). She hasn't had a toy in her bedroom since she was younger than Erin Elizabeth is now. My younger daughter doesn't give a darn what anyone thinks - she still has tons of toys and plays with them without shame. Katie sometimes sneaks in there and plays too - she needs a break from worrying about taking the SAT, what heels to wear to a party, and how she can earn money for a trip to Costa Rica. She needs a break.
We all need a break. We need to play more, and worry less. We need to not schedule things, to not plan things, and not care about world issues for just one week. Not only do my children need to be children - even if it's only for a few days - I'd like to be a kid myself. I want to play with my kids this week, and not fuss at them. I want to listen to what they have to say, not worry about how I'm going to manage to get them to the ten million appointments and classes we've scheduled.
I'm teaching my kids to cope with the world in which we live, but I think Erin Elizabeth might be the smartest one of all, as she is more concerned about changing things that don't fit her vision of what the world ought to be. She's the one who will, maybe, make it a better world for all of us. Well, that is if I don't do my "job" too well, and spend too much time teaching her to cope and meet deadlines.
A friend told me this week that I need to learn to relax. She's right. I need to learn to let go, and give up some control. But again, there's a balance, because I can't lose my job or let my kids fail out of school while we learn to let our hair down.
In the meantime, in the words of millions of women who have gone before me - "Calgon, take me away." I sent Katie to bed - tomorrow won't be what she wanted it to be, but she can at least get some rest tonight before she tackles her tasks again. Me, I'm climbing into a hot bath, with a glass of wine, and the dishes can just stay dirty for tonight.
I've hit the wall in a big way, but there's no reason to let it hit me back.
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