I start 2017 with my life not looking a whole lot different on the outside than it did a year ago, and yet I am finding that I have changed more on the inside than in many years past. A friend who is celebrating her 50th this year referred to it as intentionally taking a left turn at Albuquerque, and I totally hear that in Bugs Bunny's voice. And if you didn't grow up with Bugs and you don't get that allusion, well, please do yourself a favor and get educated on the classics as soon as possible. Somewhere in the last year or two I finally embraced some things in life, and I'm not as eloquent and haven't mastered the pop cultural allegories as well as my friend, so I referred to it as the freeing "give no more fucks" attitude in life. This doesn't mean I don't care about anyone else or their feelings, it just means I don't care what they think of me. It means I like myself enough, for the first time in my life, to walk away from people who are not good for me. Or to reevaluate some relationships and decide whether to take them for what they are, conventional or not, or end things if I can't live with the status quo. I've ended some friendships, ended some things not so well in some cases, and have decided that my family is truly comprised of people I love and who love me in return, not necessarily those who are bound to me by blood.
So, I've stood firmly for many years now that I won't make New Year's resolutions, because resolutions rarely are able to be able to be held tightly enough to make them stick. Once upon a time, I made many every January and they were all but forgotten by February, and often regrets by November, because I hadn't followed through. Three years ago, I started keeping lists instead, ongoing lists of things I wanted to do, things I wanted to try, books to read, movies to watch, restaurants to try. I kept the lists in a notebook that still travels with me on a daily basis. I take it out often, cross some things off, but I add more things than I can ever cross off that always growing list. Or, set of lists, because I keep several going at one time. And every year, I end the year by writing out all the things I did that year that weren't on the list, the surprises that fell into my life, the moments where I took chances or played impulsively. Those are some of the best moments.
2016 was a fuck of a year. Bad things kept happening, all around me, and I watched more than one person's life crumble a little bit, picked up more than one person from the ground, held hands and hugged people tightly when their hearts were breaking. Somewhere in the final month of this past year, I made my one resolution - that 2017 is going to be a year of flat out giving everything I have to absolutely every effort I make. I will make no excuses. There is no giving up or giving in, only digging in my heels and, well, dammit, I'm going to enjoy every single moment I'm given. Someone, please, remind me I said that. Remind me that, even when things are painful, the pain is necessary and a reminder that I'm alive and still capable of continuing and moving forward. One of my friends, please remind me to not hold my breath when I am afraid. I guess I'm talking about having some grit.
OK...that's enough. I am rereading this and I'm one step away from sounding like a fucking cliché. My point is, as roundabout as it may be, that I'm committing to being fully alive and pushing through to the end of things - good or bad. See, I almost forgot, that resolution has another meaning - the resolution is not a promise, just sorting things out at the end. Seeking resolution, in that sense, is never a bad thing. It's just finishing what we start. And I fully intend to finish every start, and make a new beginning before there's time to blink. Personally, professionally, as a friend, as an activist in many areas, and as a human being.
Happy New Year to all of you, whatever resolutions you are seeking. If you need someone to be your cheerleader, I'm here to encourage and to gently poke you as a reminder to finish what you started. There's really no better feeling. Meanwhile, 2017, I have high expectations out of you - you've got a lot to make up for from your predecessor. And I've got a lot of work to do this year, so let's get busy.
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