So, it's a brand-new year. 2012. Foretold by some as the year the world will end. Not going to worry about that, as the world will end when it ends, and nothing I do will change that in one way or another. Yes, I'm all about saving our planet, but I meant by recycling. Giant catastrophe? All I've got to offer is prayer. So, moving on to celebrate a new year, and not to worry about what might or might not happen. Disaster can strike ANY year. And no one can predict what will happen with any degree of certainty. 2011 was full of enough tragedy, thank you very much, all around the world. It was full of moments of loss, and full of moments of joy. Just the way that life is meant to be. Without the one, we can't appreciate the true beauty of the other.
2011, when I lost old friends and said goodbye to some people I loved. The year I reminded myself that sometimes doing the right thing means hurting someone you care about, and then forced myself to do it anyway. The year I started to realize how painful the letting go part of parenting can be - and how badly I suck at that part. The year I reminded myself that I'm not as smart as I think I am, about 99.9% of the time.
It was also the year I realized how right my grandmother was - the older you get, the faster time flies by. When I was younger, I wished time to fly. I wished away hours, days and months. Now I just wish for them to stretch out a little longer, to enjoy just a few more hours every day of having children at home, a job that I generally enjoy, a memory that hasn't failed completely yet, nor eyesight that plays tricks on me.
Time. As the New Year begins, I know some of what lies ahead. Katie will leave St. Francis, where she has spent her entire life, and move on to high school. No longer riding in with me every day, but more independent and growing up, just as is intended. Elizabeth will move into Middle School life - sports, dances, parties and social heartbreak. My work has changed, and I stand on the precipice of creating something new - it's exciting and scary all at the same time. I've spent three years laying the groundwork, and I'm about to watch it all start to unfold. Success or failure - it will all fall on me. Scares the crap out of me sometimes. Time will fly by faster and faster.
I'll watch another 8th grade class graduate, and this year when I cry, it will be all the more for my own child and for the first class I taught full-time. Sixteen of those 84 kids started in my preschool classroom. Sometimes I want to smack some of them, because I've known them their entire lives and they're acting like idiots. Most of the time, I'm so incredibly proud of the people they have become.
As one group exits, I'll watch another group start school for the first time. New faces to learn, new smiles to know and same old problems every year, that all kids have in common. I will apply bandaids, break up fights, chase down crying girls in bathrooms, and at some point will threaten to glue at least one little boy to a chair if he doesn't sit down and leave his neighbor alone. The familiar comfort of knowing that children are the same no matter what else happens and changes in this fast-paced world.
It will be conflicting as I watch my children grow older and wiser, and my parents grow another year older and well...just older and smaller.
What does a year hold? Oh, about 220 days of work. About 330 dinners cooked. 50 dance classes. 100 runs to gymnastics class. Soccer games, volleyball matches, dance recitals, plays, choir performances, parties, sleepovers, and last minute study sessions. Weekly bouts of tears, from both the kids and from me.
I will hire new part-time employees, and watch others move on to better options. It'll irritate me for a moment, because I'm left in the lurch, and then I'm satisfied knowing I helped a young teacher find a promising position or a new graduate find their place in a bigger world. I don't just nurture the students, but also my part-time instructors. It's nice to know I've helped some of them find the right path. I've probably helped a few of them onto the wrong path as well, but they're nice enough not to come back and point that out.
I will clean my house too many times to count, but it'll never be often (or thorough) enough. C'est la vie. I will put 10,000 miles on my car. I will drink over 10,000 ounces of diet coke, and I will say that I should break this addiction, but probably won't. And I'm not too worried about it. I will see at least 20 movies, and will have at least 30 more I never made the time to see. I will TeeVo hours of television I never make time to watch.
I don't make resolutions - the above are just observations based on past history. What I will promise to myself is that I will try harder, laugh more, and really, really, really try to hold my criticism when talking to my irrational adolescent children. I will love with complete abandon, because those I love can be gone from my life for myriad reasons, with no warning. 2011 showed me that. I will try to praise those around me more - the hardest thing of all. I don't like being praised, so it's hard for me to remember that other people DO like it. And I will learn at least three new things this year. They don't have to be big things, just three new things. Because the day I stop learning, is the day I stop living.
Time will continue to march on - what I make of it is my responsibility. Joy or disaster, it's up to me to make the most of what I get.
Happy New Year.
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