On Being Human - and a woman

Why do we, as a gender, think so little of ourselves? That might sound like such a pessimistic statement, but I really think that women in general have conditioned ourselves to do much and expect little in return. Some days I feel like I'm running a race - the lady who finishes with the most accomplishments, wearing the cleanest heels and pearls, and does it with the least amount of sleep or real food...wins. I'm not sure what we win, besides a few more wrinkles and maybe some hammer toes. We've been conditioned to believe that being a good wife and mother, and female in general, means to be nurturing and taking care of anyone and everyone, except ourselves. I have come to realize that I feel guilty if I sleep more than a few hours a night. Read that again - I feel GUILTY for being human.

I'm lying like a beached beluga across my bed, as I type this, thinking about where I might have picked up this idea that I should martyr myself for cleaner carpets, and wondering when it all started. The June Cleaver ideal was born out of the post World War II Cold War fear, when being a good American meant fighting communism with apple pie and 409 - the more domesticated the household, the less red your family. Along came the 60's and 70's, and women wanted to show that they could do anything men could do. The problem was that we weren't stepping out on equal ground, because we just took on more. Women showed they could work as hard as men, but kept up all the traditional maternal roles as well. It's not like our pioneering ancestors worked any less, but now women are recognized in the work place. But while men look on in awe at times, and yes I believe they often do, we don't see the value in ourselves.

I've been left a double legacy - I'm a female, and I come from hard working parents. My father's work ethic is stronger than just about anyone I've ever met, and he instilled that into his children. I'm the younger sibling of a drama queen of a brother, and I am expected to be stoic. I succeed a lot of the time...to the point where I have ignored illnesses, pain, fever, and physical exhaustion, because I didn't want to be 'weak." I am driven by a need to be right, all the time, and to do the right thing, whether it's what is best for me personally, or not. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, but when a friend recently asked me if I would want to see my children living at the same pace that I do...my answer was, "not really." Except...they're already starting down that path. I feel like I am failing them as a role model sometimes.

I am not Martha Stewart. My house is going to get dirty. I have a whole family who can help me clean it...this is not a disaster. If only I believed that more. I am not Einstein. I am going to be wrong sometimes. This is easier, as no matter how much I want to be right all the time, I never totally believe that I am ever right at all. I am human. I am allowed to be hungry, tired, thirsty, and selfish about having time to myself. It is not wrong to let my kids eat peanut butter and jelly, so I can fit in some exercise. Except I still have a hard time believing that.

So...what keeps us wanna be android women from completely falling apart? Our equally driven and wonderful friends...my friends are my cheerleaders, my therapists, and the women who are strong enough to give me a good slap and tell me to stop acting like a crazy woman. It takes a true friend to tell you that you are having a "no more wire hangers" moment.

I rarely set resolutions for a new year, other than resolving to give my all, as much as I can. This year I am resolving to give myself permission to be a human mess, because I need my children to learn this lesson. I am going to stay in bed the next time I get sick. I am going to read a book instead of doing housework - and not feel guilty (because I already skip housework sometimes, but it makes me feel like I've broken a law). I resolve to make myself laugh when I make a mistake, instead of turning red and looking to see if anyone notices. And, just once, I'm going to oversleep. Well, maybe not...one step at a time.

Oh, yes, and I resolve to tell more of my friends to let the small stuff go - life is too short for us to worry about getting our pearls dirty.