So, if nothing hammered home to me how different my life is as I've gotten older, it would be that the meaning of Spring Break has changed. Spring Break, once upon a time, meant I could stay up as late as I wanted and have a few drinks without the worry of getting up early for school or for work. Spring Break was about some adventure and some fun.
I'm in a different place in my life. Not that adventure and fun are behind me, it's just that I let them come more naturally these days. I figure enough opportunities come my way, and I won't turn those away when they knock. However, in the mean time, a break should be a break and I can use the time in myriad different ways. Today I am fluctuating between reading a book and cleaning my house.
It's Spring - and that always means a little bit of Spring cleaning. Time to sweep out the accumulation of winter's debris and make way for new life and new plans. I'm literally cleaning my house, getting rid of things that I don't need, donating items I can't use, and sweeping out the cobwebs and cat hair. At the same time, I'm spring cleaning other parts of my life.
It's been a hard winter for me. In short, I am coming up on the middle of my life, and I have finally accepted that I am not superhuman and cannot solve everyone's problems, be everything to everyone in my life, and say yes to every request. I will, ultimately, fail. I've been failing quietly the last several months - mostly failing myself, but occasionally my children and my work. By taking on too much, and by refusing to accept that there are human limitations, I have become exhausted, irritable, cranky, forgetful and slow. I've allowed relationships to lie half-dead and done nothing to either revive them nor put them out of their misery. And I have forgotten how much joy there can be in some of the smallest parts of the human experience.
Spring cleaning. I've cleaned out my kitchen. The refrigerator is sparkling, the pantry is organized, and the counters are decluttered. Gone are any products full of things not found in nature. My kitchen is a living place now, with food that is still at least partially alive. More than just no dead animals. No more products supporting the death of animals. And I will not apologize for feeling that way, or for feeding my family this way. Anyone who wants to live with me will have to accept that, just as I will accept if they choose to make a different decision when it's not my kitchen doing the cooking. We all have our own conscience...just not in my kitchen.
I will scrub my floors and begin sorting items for a garage sale. We're moving in the next month, and I want to start fresh with less clutter and less baggage. Growing up, we moved a lot. I never got to get comfortable in any one place, which was bad. But I had a lot of fresh starts and I dumped my baggage quite frequently. That was pretty good. I haven't had a chance in a while to reinvent myself or my life. It takes momentum to make change, and staying in the same place, surrounded by my own clutter and that of those who live with me, it's hard to find that momentum. Even the thought of moving makes me groan - it's hard to get out of a groove you've worn in over twelve years. I hate to think I'm stuck in a rut, but I am.
Once, many years ago, I babysat for a little girl. We were watching her dog in the back yard. Every day, he flipped his water dish three or four times, and every day I'd have to slog back out in the wet grass and refill it three or four times. I told him he was stuck in a rut and find something new to do for entertainment. So, when we were getting ready for her nap time and she chose her book, the little girl picked a new book. I was surprised, as she always wanted the same book before nap. She told me she didn't want to "suck a rat anymore." After I figured out that she was breaking out of her own rut, I laughed for a bit and complimented her on her decision to stop sucking that rat.
I need to stop sucking the rats.
So, it's time for some serious spring cleaning. Time to reinvent myself a little bit. Not change, just spiff up a little bit. It's the season of new life, after all.
